Funny Jokes, Pictures, Videos

High Mart

Wal-Mart is America’s largest retailer. 50% of Americans shop there at least once a week, and at any given time, a full 3% of Americans are lost inside of one.

But that, apparently, isn’t enough for the chain, since it just opened a new store in Plano, Texas, which aims to attract more upscale shoppers. Competitor Target is retaliating by unveiling an even brighter colored line of housewares.

Store manager Marcus Ludwig - see, even the employees’ sound classier - explained the thinking behind the new approach as, “Our customers are very smart and savvy customers and we wanted to bring them something that would appeal to them.” Still, their efforts to appeal to wealthier shoppers require some fine-tuning. For instance, demand has been surprisingly slight for the Baccarat crystal “Larry the Cable Guy” juice glasses.

The world is a mad, bad place…
by Ben Trovato

You will have heard by now that al-Qaeda has introduced strict new security measures on flights from Britain to the United States. Passengers are complaining bitterly about the delays, but I think the move is long overdue.

Whenever I fly with Brenda, she packs so many lotions, potions, gels and unguents that I end up having to pay excess baggage. This won’t be a problem any more.

Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports leaked from a fortified cave in the Tora Bora region suggest that al-Qaeda is bringing out an exciting new range of men’s clothing. Scheduled for release throughout Europe this winter, the bulky jackets and matching shirts come in a range of muted colours with hints of peach and mint.

The fabric is eco-friendly hemp that has been carefully treated with liquid nitroglycerin. A few minutes of friction against an airline seat and kaboom, goodbye scratchy jacket, goodbye annoying passengers, goodbye plane.

Talabani the Terminator

There’s been some rare good news out of Iraq, as President Jalal Talabani announced today that Iraqi forces will take over all security in Iraq by the end of the year. Because apparently Talabani subscribes to President Bush’s “Say it ’til it’s true” method of leadership.

Despite the current unrest, Talabani said, quote, “We are highly optimistic that we will terminate terrorism this year.” Of course, Talabani is using the traditional Iraqi calendar, wherein one year is equal to approximately one thousand years.

Talabani’s goal seems particularly unreasonable since, three and a half years into the war, the U.S. is still in charge of 17 of Iraq’s 18 provinces. Fortunately, the rest of Talabani’s speech put things in perspective as he stated, “I am also highly optimistic that I will bang Angelina Jolie by the end of the year. And I am highly optimistic that she will totally love it.”

Yes, we have our own holiday. Hearing voices I can only hear is normal. We are being accepted now. Soon people who hear voices will have laws protecting them from job discrimination, college acceptance, and even allowing two people who hear the same voices to marry!

Asylum magazine, The Hearing Voices Network, Psychology Politics Resistance Asylum Associates

“STORIES OF HEARING VOICES”
Restoring human experience to communities

Twelfth Anniversary of the founding of Psychology Politics Resistance
Fifteenth Anniversary Conference of the Hearing Voices Network
Twentieth Anniversary Celebrations of Asylum Magazine

An international meeting in the week leading up to
World Hearing Voices Day: 14th September

Performance arts, exhibitions, stalls, workshops, presentations, seminars and the founding meeting of the European Association for Democratic Psychiatry
(International Association for Democratic Communities)

You’re just jealous because the voices speak to me.

Suicide attacker kills only self when car bomb explodes prematurely in south Afghanistan

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan A would-be suicide attacker killed only himself Friday when his bomb-packed car exploded prematurely in the southern Afghan city of Kandahar, police said.

The man died in an explosion that destroyed his car, which was parked on the main road to the Kandahar Airfield, where a large NATO base is located, said police official Rehmat Ali. No other casualties were reported.

Ali said NATO vehicles, Afghan security forces and government officials regularly use the road, but none were in the area at the time of the blast.

Now if they would all just do that . . .

And your mother worried about whether or not you were wearing clean underwear when you went out.

Auto-eroticism undoes driver

BRATISLAVA (Reuters) - A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis.

Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a “give way” sign.

“It’s very likely he had auto-sex while driving, it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it (the pump) was placed on his penis,” police officer Peter Polak told Reuters.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, nor have my colleagues,” he added.

The man was taken to hospital with head injuries.

The question remains whether the head injuries were before or after tha accident.

Three female members of an exclusive country club walked into the women’s shower room and wee shocked to see the lower part of a man’s anatomy behind the door of one of the shower stalls. “Well!” said one of the ladies, “that certainly is not my husband!’ The second one added, “He isn’t mine, either.” And the third, the youngest of the three, said, “Hell, he isn’t even a member of this club!

A LITTLE bloating after a big meal is an occupational hazard for pythons. But this unfortunate creature found itself unable to slink away and sleep it off.

In fact, after swallowing a pregnant sheep, it couldn’t move at all.
Firemen in the Malaysian village of Kampung Jabor, about 190km east of Kuala Lumpur, easily caught it after it was spotted on a road.

Conservationists were yesterday still deciding whether to keep the 90kg snake in a zoo or release it back into the wild.

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in house wares,” and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10.”

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M’s on layaway.

8. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”