Funny Jokes, Pictures, Videos

TUZLA, Bosnia (CAP) - Scorched over the past few days by allegations that she embellished a 1996 visit to Bosnia, Hillary Clinton received at least a partial vindication today when it was revealed that Sniper Fire was indeed present at the Bosnia airport when she and her entourage touched down.

The neo-polka sextet Sniper Fire, that is.

“We got a call first thing in the morning. Hurry up, get your instruments, there’s going to be a big thing at the airport,” recalls Sniper Fire percussionist Ebid Durakovic. “And sure enough, we get down there and it’s Mrs. Clinton and her daughter, what’s-her-name.”

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re somebody down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person and I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. On the wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”

St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”

Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”

St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”

Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”

St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”

Dickey Cheney Left In Turkey

WASHINGTON (CAP) - White House officials confirm that when Vice President Dick Cheney’s plane left Turkey following an extended visit to the Mideast earlier this week, the vice president himself was not on the plane. According to published reports, Cheney was inadvertently left behind and will have to catch a later flight.

“Near as we can tell, the vice president’s presence on Airforce II was simply overlooked in all the hustle and bustle of preparing the flight for take-off,” said Cheney’s spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. “We were well over the Atlantic before we realized he wasn’t with us.”

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

The man asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

The man asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

Cancun Outlaws Banana Hammocks For Spring Break

CANCUN (CAP) - The Mexican Tourism Board confirmed today in a televised statement that all male tourists coming in for Spring Break this year would be banned from wearing thong-style bathing suits, often referred to as “banana hammocks.”

“Let’s face it,” said MTB Chairman Adolfo Gonzalez, “the tiny little Speedo, this is not a good look. Probably one out of every 500 guys could really pull that off, and I don’t know where those guys go for Spring Break - but it’s definitely not Cancun.”

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

“It has long been known” = I didn’t look up the original reference.

“A definite trend is evident” = These data are practically meaningless.

“While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions” = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

“Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study” = The other results didn’t make any sense.

“Typical results are shown” = This is the prettiest graph.

“These results will be in a subsequent report” = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

“In my experience” = once.

“In case after case” = twice.

“In a series of cases” = thrice.

“It is believed that” = I think.

“It is generally believed that” = A couple of others think so, too.

“Correct within an order of magnitude” = Wrong.

“According to statistical analysis” = Rumor has it.

“A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings” = A wild guess.

“A careful analysis of obtainable data” = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.

“It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”= I don’t understand it.

“After additional study by my colleagues”= They don’t understand it either.

“Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions” = Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

“A highly significant area for exploratory study” = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

“It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field” = I quit.

Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

<-------- The information went data way --------

11th Commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's system.

2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.

�640K ought to be enough for anybody.� - Bill Gates, 1981

A computer's attention span is as long as it's Power Cord.

Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

All computers wait at the same speed.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSII...

Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% COMPRESSION

BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 Yards to Go!

Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.

C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand In The corner.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

COMPUTER UPGRADE: Take old bugs out… Put New Ones In.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

E Pluribus Modem

E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

Error? Impossible! My Modem is Error Correcting.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.

Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny.

File not found. Should I Fake It? (Y/N)

Go ahead, make my data!

Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

If all else fails: joe-ks.com

Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Press any key… no, No, NO!!! Not THAT one!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

SENILE.COM found… Out Of Memory…

Shell to DOS… Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

The name is Baud… James Baud.

Ultimate office automation: Networked Coffee.

Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”

Who’s General Failure & why is he reading My disk?

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.