Funny Jokes, Pictures, Videos

“I’m running for president of the United States, because I want to help with family values. And I think that family values are important, when we have two parent — families that are of parents that are the traditional family.” –interview on “This Week,” July 27, 2008

“The fact is we had four years of failed policy. We were losing. We were losing the war in Iraq. The consequences of failure and defeat of the United States of America in the first major conflict since 9/11 would have had devastating impacts throughout the region and the world.” –forgetting the war in Afghanistan, which was launched in October 2001, CBS News interview, July 21, 2008

“We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” –referring to a border that does not exist, ABC News interview, July 21, 2008

“I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia.” –referring to a country that no longer exists, Phoenix, Arizona, July 14, 2008

“I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself. I don’t expect to be a great communicator, I don’t expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need.” –New York Times interview, July 13, 2008

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Two Wishes
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,”

The ostrich says “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last orders, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man.

“Same for me” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20″ says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

Now this is funny stuff. Now I’ve seen it all. There are long sales letters all over the web that promise to help you become a millionaire, how to rank #1 in google, how to make “parts of the male body” larger, how to cure baldness, and more, but this takes the cake.

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Found a funny blog that you might be interested in. It’s called Steve, Don’t Eat That! He eats really gross food and tells his readers about it. Very funny stuff!

Visit Steve’s Don’t Eat That Blog here.

“Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can’t do better than that.” –David Letterman

“Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, “One of my heroes,” and then called him a liar. So, I guess that’s what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much.” –Jay Leno

“This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“On Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox, Bill O’Reilly does a segment he calls ‘Pinhead or Patriot.’ And today President Bush said, ‘Well, why can’t you be both?’” –Jay Leno