As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”
Who Let The Blog Out?
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings “I Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation’s economy
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
Who Let The Blog Out?
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them.
One monkey said to the other monkey “I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end.”
The other monkey said o.k. I’ll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can.
So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees.
The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks “Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch.
So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it.
All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, “Did you see a monkey run by here?”
The monkey goes, “You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?” And the lion says,”Dang it was in the paper already?”
Who Let The Blog Out?
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Never believe anything you see or hear in an infomercial. No one who learns the secret to making millions is really going to share it with you for $49.95, 99.95, or even $300.
3. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “committees”.
4. The politician you are listening to is lying. Period. No Exceptions.
5. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
6. Movies made by Oliver Stone and Michael Moore are not objective, nor do they represent the truth. Neither does Fox News.
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. Atheism is a religion. So is Darwinism and Evolution.
9. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
10. The salesman you are talking to is lying or at the very least leaving out something important.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. TV shows are not “brought to you by the sponsor”. Advertisers bought commercial time and usually have no clue which show their commercial will be on.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. People who have no sense of humor should be avoided at all cost.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Wars are never started for the reasons they tell you. Never.
17. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
18. The best safe driving tip is “Remember, anyone can get a drivers license.”
19. Never lick a steak knife.
20. Or an ice tray.
21. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
22. Fast Food restaurants are not fast and there is no nutritional value to anything on the menu despite what their ads tell you.
23. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
24. All men are not stupid and all women are not smart no matter what tv sitcoms would have you believe.
25. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
26. It is not true just because you read it in Wikipedia.
27. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
28. Just having a website does not entitle you to make thousands of dollars while you sleep. Just having a website does not mean you will ever make money online. If you see an infomercial that claims they can help you make thousands of dollars online, they are lying to you.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
30. Not everyone who uses the Internet also uses Google.
31. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
32. The government is not looking out for your best interest nor are they passing any current legislation just “for the children.”
33. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
34. We will not have alternative energy until the right people can control it and profit from it.
35. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
36. It is not a coincidence when gas prices are high and oil companies make record profits.
37. Your real friends love you anyway.
38. Credit cards were never meant to be maxed out.
Who Let The Blog Out?
McCain Endorses Obama
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a move that has political pundits baffled, soon-to-be-named Republican presidential nominee John McCain today issued a statement endorsing Barack Obama in the upcoming November election.
“Barack Obama is the man who can lead us from the past through the present into the future,” McCain said in a written statement before appearing at an Obama rally to make the announcement in person.
The Rest of The Story here
Who Let The Blog Out?
Cindy McCain discovered that her husband’s great great uncle, Gunther McCain, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.
The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Gunther McCain; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”
After letting the Republican Party’s large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist John’s campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther’s picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
“Gunther McCain was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed.”
Who Let The Blog Out?
