Funny Jokes, Pictures, Videos

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data’s gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

1. When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9. When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”
10. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
11. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got
enough air in there?”
12. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15. Start walking around the other passengers.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Joseph told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too.

Tell Walt and Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man
Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay… practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you ’til noon when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route
marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route
march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the
Higgett boys back home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Fraud Conviction
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud and corruption.

Alaskan authorities were tipped off to Steven’s activities by Russians who’d been watching with binoculars.

- David Letterman

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
———————————————————–
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
———————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
———————————————————–
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me…’
———————————————————–
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
———————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
– ——————————————————–

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘Best Deals’.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘Lowest Prices’.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read… ‘Main entrance’.