Funny Jokes, Pictures, Videos

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first: “Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”

God then addresses Bill Clinton: “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”

God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then addresses Bill Gates: “Bill Gates, what do you believe in?”

Bill Gates says, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

“I’m running for president of the United States, because I want to help with family values. And I think that family values are important, when we have two parent — families that are of parents that are the traditional family.” –interview on “This Week,” July 27, 2008

“The fact is we had four years of failed policy. We were losing. We were losing the war in Iraq. The consequences of failure and defeat of the United States of America in the first major conflict since 9/11 would have had devastating impacts throughout the region and the world.” –forgetting the war in Afghanistan, which was launched in October 2001, CBS News interview, July 21, 2008

“We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” –referring to a border that does not exist, ABC News interview, July 21, 2008

“I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia.” –referring to a country that no longer exists, Phoenix, Arizona, July 14, 2008

“I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself. I don’t expect to be a great communicator, I don’t expect to set up my own blog, but I am becoming computer literate to the point where I can get the information that I need.” –New York Times interview, July 13, 2008

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Now this is funny stuff. Now I’ve seen it all. There are long sales letters all over the web that promise to help you become a millionaire, how to rank #1 in google, how to make “parts of the male body” larger, how to cure baldness, and more, but this takes the cake.

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?