10. We are simple creatures…creatures of habit, so stop wanting to try “new and exciting” foods! Just stick to what does the job…seriously, tofu isn’t the next best thing!

9. Stop wasting money buying underwear at Victoria Secrets just because they’re on sale and they “look sooo cute!”…you have 20 pairs at home with the tags still on them!

8. Stop asking us if you look good in clothes that used to fit you when you were 15!

7. Stop trying to belittle us by pointing out how childish and immature we are at times. Recall that “incident” in the parking lot at Walmart!?

6. Don’t ever ask us to go shopping with you! We get in, get what we need and get out. We don’t spend hours window shopping, then leave empty handed. It’s infathomable!

5. If you’re not gonna pay attention to what we have to say, don’t ask for our opinions or input! We’d be much happier if you just left us alone!

4. Stop getting jealous of our video games! Learn to play with us or find your own hobby!

3. Don’t bother us when the games are on, especially if we are in one or more fantasy leagues!

2. Brush your teeth before you try to kiss us in the morning, ’cause that is just way nasty!

1. Maintain the landscape. We love ya and all, but damn if we gotta do a tour in the jungle to find base camp!

I am well. Hope you are too.

Tell Walt and Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man
Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay… practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you ’til noon when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route
marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route
march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the
Higgett boys back home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Alaskan authorities were tipped off to Steven’s activities by Russians who’d been watching with binoculars.

- David Letterman

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”